


why do i fear becoming a river.

by loveknives



Series: i twist like a sunflower at the sound of your voice [2]
Category: This Is Not Fiction (Webcomic)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Sharing a Bed, Sleepovers, please let them be happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 05:21:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6361120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveknives/pseuds/loveknives
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“So you’re gay now, right?”</p><p>They’re lounging in Landon’s apartment after classes. Julian’s sitting on the floor below Landon, staring at the junky TV; they’d spent the last three hours watching modelling shows, even if neither of them knew a thing about fashion. Landon kept insisting that certain patterns and palettes were making or breaking the decisions in outfits, but Julian thought it was just the static interference making things look weird. Either way, all their favorite models lost within the first few episodes.</p><p>Julian turns to look at Landon. He’s sprawled out across his couch, one leg propped up on the opposite armrest and the other dangling by the blond’s ear. Pushing at the foot with one hand, Julian irritably says, “Does it matter if I am or not?”</p><p>-</p><p>Julian spends the night at Landon's apartment. They talk about things, watch modelling shows and have a sleepover.</p>
            </blockquote>





	why do i fear becoming a river.

**Author's Note:**

> second part of my series, wherein julian has a lot of feelings about things and tries to work through them. only real warning for this is for internalized homophobia on julian's end.

“So you’re gay now, right?”

They’re lounging in Landon’s apartment after classes. Julian’s sitting on the floor below Landon, staring at the junky TV; they’d spent the last three hours watching modelling shows, even if neither of them knew a thing about fashion. Landon kept insisting that certain patterns and palettes were making or breaking the decisions in outfits, but Julian thought it was just the static interference making things look weird. Either way, all their favorite models lost within the first few episodes.

Julian turns to look at Landon. He’s sprawled out across his couch, one leg propped up on the opposite armrest and the other dangling by the blond’s ear. Pushing at the foot with one hand, Julian irritably says, “Does it matter if I am or not?”

“Of course it does. It means I can ask you on a serious date.” Landon presses one hand into his hair. “And I doubt you were at that meeting for any other reason. Was it me that won you over? Or did you finally hook up with Isaiah or something?”

“I didn’t do that!” Julian shifts farther away from him, fulling turning his body now to face him. “I didn’t hook up with _anyone_ ! I just sort of...realized, alright? And it was only a few months ago anyways.” He definitely doesn’t want to talk about this subject, even _think_ about it, and he especially doesn’t want to think about it with Landon trying to joke around with him. It took five months before he told anyone, and the only person who knew was Leslie. And even at the meeting, he tried to avoid thinking too hard about himself. It wasn’t that big of a deal, anyways, and Julian wanted it to stay that way.

“I mean, whatever you say.” Landon moves so that his head’s leaning off the couch, one arm keeping himself propped up from the floor. “I mean, I realized when I had a crush on my cute neighbor that I liked guys. Or maybe that’s just you,” he grins  and moves his face closer. “I think it’s just you.”

Julian flicks him in the nose, hard. “Can you take anything seriously for longer than a minute? I just...I don’t want to talk about this anymore, alright?” He curls up slightly, pulling his knees up to his chest.

Landon frowns at him before sliding off the couch into an undignified pile. “You don’t have to talk about it, I guess. But you went to the meeting about it, so you at least want to tell someone about it.” He plays with a few loose strands from the carpet for a moment before pushing himself up again. “And every princess has to have her confidant, right? I’ll listen whenever you want to talk about it.”

The blond shrugs and turns his head away from Landon. “I just don’t want to talk about it right now.” He doesn’t want to look at the redhead anymore, and definitely wants to stop ruining their hang out session. “Can we just go back to watching TV or something? With popcorn. I want popcorn now.”

Julian sees Landon shrug outside of his periphery. “Got it, boss. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” His figure unfolds and stands, tall above Julian and stretching towards the ceiling. “Stay cute.”

He doesn’t think that’s possible, if he wasn’t ever cute. Right now, he feels mostly gross. There’s some strong, heavy coil resting in his stomach and throat now and Julian wants nothing more than to curl up in his bed. It’s safer there, he thinks, and even if Isaiah snored while he tried to sleep Julian would appreciate the ambience.

He doesn’t hate being gay, he thinks. He definitely doesn’t hate other people that are gay, or anything else. But thinking about sex, and having sex with anyone or even hearing people talk about it makes him queasy. Landon talking about it doesn’t affect him much anymore, other than getting flustered and trying to change the topic when he can. But anyone else and he feels sick, and it’s so _frustrating_ because no one else is like this. Even Isaiah will mention a salacious detail, albeit rarely, and Julian feels so left out.

It’s just him, Julian decides. He’s used to having things that are relatively wrong about him. Anxiety? He can wake up and take medicine for that. Not having people to talk to? Julian chooses to talk to the animals he works with instead. But he can’t really change anything about this. A small, bitter part of him thinks that if he was more noticeable, more _attractive_ , maybe he would have already had sex and wouldn’t feel like this at all. It’s so pointless to think about, though, so he pushes it away. He’ll think about it later.

Landon returns, bearing a bright pink bowl filled to the brim with popcorn. He presents it with an elegant bow, lowering the food down to Julian. “Enjoy, your Highness.”

Julian snorts and takes it. “Thanks,” he mumbles, grabbing a few pieces to chew on. Landon doesn’t crawl back onto the couch, but settles on the floor a few feet away. They both turn their attention to the television for a minute. The interference has gotten worse over the past few moments, and it’s harder now for Julian to distinguish between plaid and stripes.

After a moment, Julian ventures a question. “Who did you tell first?”

The redhead doesn’t answer for a few seconds. Fearing the worst, Julian turns to face him directly and quickly adds, “I mean, if you don’t want to mention it I know it’s hard for me, so I’ll totally understand.”

“It’s no big deal,” Landon tells him, one shoulder raising up in a weak shrug. “I guess my grandfather was the first person who knew. He didn’t like talking about it, though.”

“Oh.” Julian sits quietly, toying with the remaining popcorn pieces. “Did you tell anyone after that?”

“Of course. I mean, I couldn’t just make out with dudes without people knowing, anyways.” Landon smirks at him and grabs some popcorn for himself. “Pretty sure it was obvious to most people after that.”

Well, that wasn’t helpful. Julian doesn’t have the benefit of being flirtatious enough to even get that far with anyone. He’d hoped that, somehow, Landon would know what to tell him. Maybe that was expecting too much of him, but it was worth asking. Julian wonders, briefly, if he could just wear a sign that announces it to people.

“You alright there? Or do you just like staring at me?” Landon says, and Julian snaps out of his brief musing. Even if his words were joking, there’s a thoughtful look on his face. There are eye bags under his eyes, Julian notices, and the slightest hint of a scratch across his jaw.

“I wasn’t staring at anything, you idiot. You need to get more sleep, though. Don’t think I can’t see the eye bags,” Julian tells him, avoiding any answer to Landon’s first question. “You can’t stay away to cook if you’re half-asleep, you know.”  
  
“Well, why don’t you stay the night and make sure I sleep? I’d love to have a sleepover with you,” Landon says, pinching Julian’s cheek. “You can read me a story and I can have my very own Juls to cuddle. Everyone wins.”

Disregarding his jokes, Julian pulls out his phone to look at the time. It’s already nine, and he doesn’t feel up to going outside and dealing with other people, even it was from the safety of his own car. And Landon’s couch could fit him for a night, anyways. Besides, he offered, right?

“I think I’m going to take you up on that offer, if you wouldn’t mind. You don’t have to cook for me or anything; I can order something for us,” he has to offer something in return for staying, “and I’ll sleep on the couch. Is that alright?”  
  
A light blush rises up onto Landon’s face, and the redhead places a hand behind his neck. “Oh, wow. I didn’t actually think you’d want to stay. I mean, of course you can. Go ahead and order whatever you want. I’m not hungry.” He rises and walks towards a small closet. “I’ll start setting up stuff for you.”  
  
“I’ll need something to sleep in, and maybe a phone charger to borrow,” Julian adds absently, pulling up his phone’s browser. There were a few places close by to choose from, all of them tempting. “Are you sure you don’t want anything?”

“You staying enough is enough of a treat for me,” Landon says, throwing down a few blankets near the couch. “I can make whatever I want on my own. Especially with you to help.” He throws in a wink for good measure, and unfolds the blankets.

“That doesn’t even make _sense_ , Landon!” Julian doesn’t dignify him with another response, scrolling down the menu of a take-out sandwich restaurant. None of the dishes really catch his eye, and briefly he wishes that Landon would make something instead. “I’m pretty sure you could make anything on here better than they could.”  
  
Again, Julian notices red tinting Landon’s face. Was he really that nervous about his cooking? Instead of brushing it off, Landon abandons the blankets for a moment in favor of wrapping one long arm around the smaller boy’s shoulders. “I appreciate hearing that from my favorite person. Maybe I’ll give you something nice tonight in return for all these compliments.”

  
That coil of anxiety rears its head again at the innuendo. Julian suppresses it the best he can and shrugs off both his own feelings and Landon’s arm. “The most you’re getting is a bedtime story, and it’s just going to be a Sydney Morgan story so you’re already going to know it.”

“I can deal with that, dear,” The taller boy turns back to his task of setting up Julian’s bed. “As long as you’re telling it, it’s fine by me.”

 -

The next few hours pass quickly. Julian settles on a simple sandwich that arrives promptly, and he eats it while watching TV again. Landon makes himself some giant cinnamon roll, smothered in glaze. It smells divine, but Julian stops himself from asking to taste it. Otherwise, they talk about small things; really, it’s more about Landon making more jokes about the ugly clothes that he sees on the show, and Julian trying to defend his favorites. It’s quite enjoyable, even if Julian’s favorites do worse than Landon’s and he resigns himself to bad fashion taste.

Isaiah texts him, once. A pang of guilt shoots through him when he realizes how worried Isaiah must be if he isn’t back at the apartment. The only times he was ever out of the apartment at night were to grab emergency groceries or if he was at home. It’s a bit pathetic, Julian thinks, but it’s even worse that he hasn’t mentioned Landon was around on campus. He didn’t want to go behind Isaiah’s back--he trusted him more than he trusted anyone else, really--but facing disapproval from his choices would hurt him more. It’s a mess, really.

Julian chooses just to tell him he’s fine and then closes out his texting app. He’ll deal with it tomorrow.

Eventually, the modelling show fades into infomercials. Somewhere below the apartment floor there’s music playing, upbeat and energetic. It bleeds through and mixes with the voices on TV. Julian finds it soothing, almost, and dozes off for a few minutes until he jumps up again. Even if Landon’s apartment was sparsely decorated, it still felt homely.

The redhead stands after a vacuum commercial ends. Stretching his arms forward and rolling out his shoulders, he yawns out to Julian, “Come tell me my bedtime story.”  
  
Julian can’t help but let out a small laugh. Even if they were both exhausted, Landon still had his whims. The blond rises to follow him, managing not to trip on the plates and bowls sitting on the floor.

He hadn’t seen much of Landon’s room, really. A glance at most while receiving what was dubbed an ‘official tour’ of the apartment. It’s a bit more decorated than the other rooms; there’s a few musical instruments tucked here and there, and piles of clothes giving sporadic pops of color. It looked about as much as Julian expected his room to look like; he’s glad that there’s nothing incriminating in there, but he’s almost positive that if he checked the drawers something would show up.

The taller boy falls down on his bed, pushing himself up to his pillows. Julian hesitantly follows, sitting on the side opposite Landon. They look at each other for a minute, and Julian realizes he actually has to think of something to tell him.

After a moment of somewhat awkward silence, Julian settles on one of Sydney Morgan’s older books. It was actually one of the ones Landon hunted down for him a few years ago. He has to skip over some of the subplots and tries to tell the story in a timely manner. Some of the details were a bit fuzzy at this point, but he feels it all comes together nicely, with the heroine finally falling in love and solving all the problems. An ideal story, even if a bit boring.

Julian doesn’t know what to say after he finishes. Landon’s looking at him weirdly, except he feels like the redhead’s looking through him instead of at him. After a minute of silence, he finally speaks. “Did you keep that copy I got for you?”  
  
“Of course I did!” Julian replies instantly. “I kept all of them, actually. Some of them are in my room and I still read them sometimes. I wouldn’t...I wouldn’t just give away something that you got for me, even if we stopped talking.”  
  
It’s true. At one point, Julian did consider throwing them out, or donating them. It was at the beginning of their separation. He didn’t have the heart to do it, really, but instead ended up storing them away in boxes until he moved. Trying to read them made him think about Landon, and thinking about Landon meant that he felt guilty and lonely. Sydney Morgan was his escape for that, back then, and he didn’t want to ruin that from his own choices.

“That’s good to hear. I’m glad that I could annoy you with my notes even if they weren’t new,” Landon tells him, and the words go straight through Julian. Even if they weren’t meant to sting, they remind him even more of his own failures as a friend, and his own cowardice. Landon didn’t deserve that from him, especially considering how much he’d changed when Julian was still around.

He can’t even find the words to vocalize how he feels to Landon. Instead, he stands and walks towards the light, ready to turn it out and just sleep. “They were definitely annoying,” Julian says. “I, um, I guess I’m going to go sleep now. Try not to snore too loud or be annoying or anything,” he tries to sound joking, but his heart’s not in it.

“Hey.” Julian’s made it to the light switch at this point, but he turns back. Landon’s looking at him, face oddly serious--or maybe tired, but Julian himself can’t even discern his own emotions in the current moment. “How could I convince you to sleep in here?”

Julian feels his face turn red, and he balls his hand up into a fist. He’s too exhausted for this kind of joking around. But he looks again at Landon still hasn’t grinned at him, or even tried to look suave. He just looks _tired_. What kind of prank was he trying to pull that couldn’t even make him laugh or smile?

“Um. I mean, I don’t know why you would even want to. Share, with me, that is.” Julian takes a step forward regardless. “And you know I kick anything that comes near me. And roll around a lot, too.” If Landon’s going to pretend to be serious about this, he can too.

“Humor me?” Despite his apparent seriousness, Landon still rolls his eyes. “I need my own personal space heater to get through the cold winter night.”

That was more like him. But his comment wasn’t poking fun at Julian; the blond feels his guard lower a bit more, and he briefly turns to shut the lights off. “I’ll do it if you make me pancakes tomorrow. Vegan, not just vegetarian.”  
  
“Will do, your Highness.” In the dark, Landon’s voice is a bit more reassured. The blond wonders how often he’s found himself in this situation, with someone sharing his bed at night. Julian doesn’t feel the sinking feeling in his stomach, though; Landon wouldn’t do anything to him, or even ask him to. Everything between them was a joke, anyways, and Julian knew it was all shallow at best.

“Alright, good night.” Julian makes his way to the bed. Pulling back the covers, the smaller boy quickly settles into a curled up ball and stills. He doesn’t want to shuffle around too much and bother Landon in his own bed. Besides that, some small part of him feels Landon might startle if he kicks or turns.

“Good night, Juls.” Landon’s voice is quiet now, but Julian can tell the redhead’s facing him. Focusing his eyes towards the redhead’s body, he can make out the indistinct shapes of his face, and his hands farther down. The space between his body and Julian’s felt so small, even if the bed was large and Julian was small enough that they weren’t pressed together.

Julian tries to sleep, but he can’t stop thinking about things; his life, Isaiah, breakfast. Despite his best efforts, he can’t manage to stay comfortable enough to fall asleep. The blond listens for Landon’s breathing, and realizes it hasn’t fallen into the slow patterns of someone asleep. Maybe he was just bothered by Julian’s wriggling, or he had some form of insomnia. Both sounded reasonable, and the latter explained the eye bags that recently developed. It meant that Julian was doing a poor job, though.

“Are you awake?” Julian whispers, trying to keep his voice soft enough in the case he actually is asleep. His guess was right, though; Landon shifts a bit so that, Julian assumes, he’s facing the blond. “Yeah.”  
  
“Do you need me to move to the couch?” Julian realizes after he’s said it that it’s probably rude of him to be here. Even if Landon brought up the entire thing, Julian actually going through with it was just...unnecessary. Without him, Landon could have gone out or even slept soundly. With Julian around, he was burdened by the obligation to be a host. It adds another layer to Julian’s guilt, and he curls in on himself, waiting for Landon to say something.

“The point of a space heater is to be close. Even your love for me couldn’t keep me warm from that far away,” the redhead finally says. “But I don’t want to pressure you to cuddle or whatever. I’m fine with you doing whatever you want.”

It really was cold in the room. The apartment’s heater was inside the main room, and the heat didn’t really make it to the side rooms as well. In the kitchen it wouldn’t be a bother, especially if he was cooking at the time. But in here, the worn blankets weren’t doing enough to keep Julian completely warm. Was this really the best college could offer to students? Grumbling, Julian scoots a bit closer. “You could have said something about actually being cold, idiot.”  
  
“Didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. But if you’re offering yourself to me, roll over to the other side.”

Again, the coil of anxiety rose up for a second. Julian knows it’s not a real offering, but was just...sharing. His body. Which he knew wasn’t too much compared to Landon’s or anyone else’s body. Regardless, he slowly rolled over, facing away from the redhead and towards the one window in the room.

He feels Landon move a bit closer, slow enough that Julian knows he’s trying not to startle the blond too hard. Finally, one arm moved to rest on Julian’s side, hand resting on the other side of his body. “Is this okay?”  
  
The smaller boy considers his question for a moment. It was just an arm, but it was _Landon’s_ arm. His old best friend’s arm. The best friend that he’d abandoned for over a year. For him to be so trustworthy already in Julian, so aware of how he felt, that tears prick up in his eyes. He doesn’t _deserve_ this kindness. But he can’t reject it now, not without feeling even worse.

On the other hand...it really was nice. He feels warmer already, with Landon’s back barely pressing against him. It wasn’t overwhelming or flustering, like the redhead’s jokes about actually sleeping with Julian. There wasn’t anything to suggest he really wanted to act on the jokes, or even make one; he was just cold and wanted to feel warm, and Julian was around to help.

“It’s fine,” he tells him. No need to explain his confusion over the situation, or anything negative that could upset Landon. And at the end of the day, if it freaked him out too much he would just try to forget about it and sleep on the couch if he stayed again. “Hope it helps.”  
  
Closing his eyes, Julian feels settled now. Mindful of Landon’s body now, he tries to still his legs from kicking back against the redhead’s longer body. Neither of them say anything else, but the silence is comfortable and lulls Julian closer to sleep. Eventually, the pressure on his side grows, and after a brief moment of caution he realizes Landon’s fallen asleep finally.

It’s good to be around him again, Julian thinks. Even if it’s only been a week or two, it feels like they hadn’t left off at all. Already they were falling into an old routine of jokes and japes, spending at least one or two days a week hanging out. Julian’s so glad that nothing seems to have changed, even though eventually he’ll have to ask Landon what he did for those two years.

But for now, he pushes those thoughts aside, and listens to Landon’s breathing. He doesn’t snore, thankfully. After another moment, Julian feels sleep washing over him in a soft wave, and he allows himself this one moment of peace, free from his own anxieties and guilt, before he succumbs to the sleep calling gently for him.

Indeed, even with Landon’s arm around him and a night spent panicked over his own faults, this one night was fine.

**Author's Note:**

> message me @loveknives on tumblr to talk about tinf.  
> comic belongs to @gorockets.


End file.
